It’s boxing day, and here i sit as usual on the beanbag in the corner of my son’s room while he stims himself to sleep. Even on the most festive of holidays, the core of our day remains the same, exactly how kiddo needs it. Change is not often welcomed.
I’ve been thinking about New Years resolutions recently, but I stumbled across a problem… how can I make resolutions, a promise to change things essentially, in a house that can not change?
Our house is a sanctuary for the kiddo. It’s safe and secure. He knows all the sounds it makes, all of our routines as well as his own. These routines have become ingrained in me. I welcomed them in in fact. Because if I embrace these routines, if I breathe them in to my daily activities, my darling kiddo can enter my world. He feels comfortable there. I’m of course more than happy to live in his world, that goes without saying. But I can’t help but feel that the ability to move between the two will stand him in good stead for the future, should he ever need that skill.
So how do I make my New Years resolutions? How do I change myself for the better whilst keeping myself exactly the same? Tough one that…
Having poured some thought into this conundrum over a herbal tea (needed to counterbalance the Christmas gin) I came to two possible answers.
Firstly, I must only set resolutions for myself that I can achieve whilst kiddo is in school or with his enabler. I don’t want to set myself up to fail, this needs to be a positive thing for me. I can’t guarantee that I can control the time I have when I’m with my beautiful son. Who knows when sensory input will become too much, or he needs some quiet time to regulate himself. It’s not fair to put pressure on him to come for a healthy walk everyday or change his diet. Nope, it must be done in my time. So what shall I do in 2018 whilst kiddo is in school? I’m going to look after myself physically.
Now this doesn’t just mean exercise (I’m planning on getting fit by jogging and taking in the outside air), it means learning to rest too. 2017 has not been a year of rest for me. It’s been quite the opposite and my body is crying out for some meditation, some restorative rest, some relaxation. So next year I will strive to fix myself physically after all the damage that immense levels of stress have done from fighting the education and healthcare system.
Secondly, I can change my mindset. I can change my feelings and perceptions. They are all under my control. I can view the world however I like. So I will strive to learn how to turn anger into passion and motivation. To turn tiredness into a calm meditative state. To turn helplessness into a need for affection. And that’s my final resolution.
I’m fortunate enough to not be alone in parenting our son. I have the most fabulous husband and over the past year I haven’t always shared the burden where I could have. It’s rendered me exhausted and not much use towards the end of this year. I don’t want to get to that point again. Wherever I can I will share my worries, my stresses and tiredness. We are a team.
And all of that I should be able to change whilst living in a house that can’t physically change.
Now all I have to do, is do it. Bring it on 2018. I’m coming for you…
Thanks for reading,