Sometimes the hardest days aren’t those where our children are driving us to distraction, finding mischief in every corner, breaking things or keeping us awake at all hours of the night. Sometimes the hardest days are the ones where you’re not responsible for them, even just for a little while. Your mind isn’t in constant overload and it becomes clearer, slower. There is no where to hide. Your worries, fears and stresses come out to play.
Today I had my first post traumatic stress therapy session looking at one of three really traumatic events that I’ve experienced in the last 6 years. I was dreading it. I’ve cancelled 2 sessions previously with fake excuses and then the chaos of life just took over. The noise from my day to day life has drowned out my need for proper help since kiddo was born. But recently I haven’t been able to hold back the tears. It was time to face up to it and then move on.
I stress ate all morning. I dropped kiddo to holiday club (where he had a fabulous time at the zoo!) and headed off to my appointment feeling sick. My anxiety levels were so high that my body was fizzing from head to toe. But I did it, there was finally no where left to hide. I then went stress shopping (which is another outlet of mine) but made sure I went to home bargains where it’s possible to fill a basket for a tenner 🤣
I tried to relax this afternoon but I couldn’t. I went out shopping again, this time to B&M (another bargain store) and wasted away the moments until I could pick up my little boy.
I realised I wasn’t desperate to see him so I could escape the trauma that has been plaguing me, I realised that our life together (no matter how crazy, stressful and downright exhausting at times) is what has bloomed as a result of that trauma. When I saw his smiling face through the fence of the playground I thought, “I’d do it all again for you kiddo, just to see you smile like that”.
The hard times we as special needs parents have been through are horrendous. Sometimes they are living nightmares dealing with the harshest of life events. But you realise why you do it when you look down and see your children beaming up at you. You did that, you made that smile.
Just don’t forget to deal with your own demons before it’s too late and they are the ones dealing you. Put a hand on the wheel and steer. We have little enough control as it is, but helping yourself deal with trauma is something you can be in charge of.
Thanks to my husband and sister-in-law for supporting me in going today. Thank you for not letting me put it off anymore.
Thanks for reading,