Dear Son…

Dear son,

It’s 4am and I’m sat watching you play beautifully with your trains. It’s been a really hard 3 weeks for you. We decided to try some medication to see if it would help you sleep better. You had been struggling for so long and we couldn’t stand to see you in such emotional pain. Desperately trying to focus on an activity or search for the words inside your head that you wanted to say to us. But you couldn’t, your brain was just too tired.

We thought about whether medication was the right way to go for months, maybe even over a year, who knows. Our main concern was that we never wanted you to change, we only ever wanted our boy to be exactly who he was, who you were meant to be. We were faced with a decision to try a small dose of something that would hopefully help you relax and as your parents we agreed we should give it a try.

It didn’t work. You have slept even less and have been overly hyperactive, stressed and at times very destructive. We could see you weren’t in control of your actions, your impulsivity was uncontrollable, your brain even more tired. I’ve cried as I have watched you deteriorate. The responsibility for what you have been through these past few weeks lies on us. We made that decision, we instructed the doctor to prescribe the medication.

As soon as we saw how it made you feel we wanted to stop it, but we couldn’t. We needed medical guidance. I phoned, I emailed, I considered camping out in the consultants office. But the medical services are so overstretched. We weren’t the only ones in crisis. I need you to know that I tried everything I could to find a way out of it.

We are nearing the end of you taking these drugs and I’m filled with relief and guilt. Parenting is so hard. I wish I had a crystal ball to show me what the right medication is for you. I’ve tried every alternative therapy that is appropriate and whilst they have improved things, you still need more help.

In a months time we will be trying something new. Another medication. I can only pray this helps you. I need you to know that all your Dad and I ever want is for you to be you, but be a happy you who can enjoy your talents and interests. Your brain needs some sleep my son and it needs a little extra help focusing. One day we will find the right balance and it will be life changing for you. But please know this, we are not trying to change you. We have considered every angle. I have spoken to adults with your diagnosis for advice and comfort. Anything we do, we do because we love you to the moon and back.

I hope one day you read this and know that every decision we ever made was out of love and nothing more.

I love you darling,

Mum xxx

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