My husband and I dropped Kiddo to Saturday club this morning. Once a month a charity based at his school run a fun activity day so that parents can spend time together or concentrate on their other children for a few hours. Hubby and I hardly ever get time to ourselves, but recently we have been making a real effort to make room for our relationship. We are so often a tag team, and a bloody good one, but we don’t want that. We want a marriage. So kiddo has been booked in to a few Saturday club’s over the next year and today was his first.
Drop off did not go well. For so many reasons which I wont bore you with now we ended up arriving ten minutes early. Big mistake. He was already anxious about arriving at school and by being early we gave him a chance to think about where he was. The bottom lip went and the tears started to fall. Huge big crocodile tears. Now usually if this happens on a school day my head is able to override my heart. Legally he has to be here, he needs an education. But today was none of those things. Today was purely so his Dad and I could spend time together. And I feel awful.
I’m sat right now having coffee still trying to process the drop off. I launched him into the arms of a TA who thank god I know well and who knows kiddo inside out. I know he is safe. But I left with my head filled with screams and my heart broken because he was only there so i could fulfil my own selfish needs. To put it bluntly, parental guilt is a bitch.
I’ve been sat thinking about whether or not Saturday club is good for him, or just good for me. I often refer to the book “The Loving Push” by Temple Grandin. If I didn’t “encourage” him into these situations he would never do them. Yet here I sit with a heart heavier than the titanic sunk at the bottom of the sea.
I hope that one day kiddo will understand, but I don’t know if he will. He wouldn’t want a parent tag team, he would want a family. A unit. And a happy unit at that. And actually, whilst I sir and stew over the harm I’m doing him, I’m starting to think that actually this will do him the world of good. We will plan for tomorrow to be a quiet, dark and calm day. He needs that to re energise and regulate himself. I know he is safe and I know he is cared for.
Sometimes you have to let your head rule your heart in order to help your child embrace this life, especially when they have additional needs. I think I’m going to find today a lot harder than he will. It’s a family adjustment, but one we all know will lead to a better ending. Sometimes you have to silence that parental guilt and search for logic amongst a sea of emotion.
Have a good weekend folks,